Stop Letting Physical Boundaries Hijack Your Relationship
None of us plan on letting our sex drive hijack our dating relationship as it builds. In fact, we’re usually too busy navigating our own fears, insecurities, and hurts while trying to figure out if this person in front of us is the right fit. We spend so much time on those questions that we don’t realize how much physical intimacy influences the answers.
I know what you’re thinking: “Oh boy, I’ve been through this. Here comes the Christian, ready to ‘inspire me’ with shame and guilt me into waiting until marriage.”
Nah, man, not my style.
Dating is complex enough. We don’t need more shame—we need more tools and guidance. After years of studying relationships and walking alongside people navigating dating, I’ve found four key areas where most Christians struggle. And if we don’t address them, they end up hijacking our relationships.
Know the Place of Physical Intimacy
In most Christian circles, physical intimacy is either talked about with shame or extreme caution—like a propane tank sitting next to a fire. “Be careful, or it could explode! Avoid at all costs.” It’s often demonized when we’re single, leaving us confused when we struggle to have a healthy sex life in marriage.
On the other hand, secular dating advice often treats physical intimacy as a tool to get what you want. “Wait until he… before you…” or “Do XYZ, and you’ll have him wrapped around your little finger.”
Physical intimacy is a beautiful part of a relationship, but you have to know where it fits. Imagine a tiered cake. If you start with the top tier—sexuality—without the strong foundation of commitment and trust, everything crumbles into a mess.
A healthy relationship is built in this order:
Commitment and trust (the base)
Emotional intimacy (at the level of commitment)
Physical intimacy (as a natural progression of the first two)
But too often, we get this upside down. We give the most intimate part of ourselves to someone before they’ve committed to taking care of us forever. Without that foundation, we’re left with an unsettled relationship filled with anxiety, broken trust, and hurt.
The key is pacing. We must learn to celebrate our sex drive in every season and pace it according to where we are in our relationship. I developed something called the spectrum of touch that helped me and others navigate this well.
Make a Plan, Not Just a Goal
The Christian response to “How far is too far?” is usually, “Don’t have sex until you’re married.” That’s a goal, but not a plan. In fact, it’s not even a good goal.
Avoidance goals—like “Don’t have sex,” “Don’t be too much,” or “Don’t be single at 30”—keep us focused on what we don’t want instead of what we do want.
Most of us don’t think through the details of when and how we want to set boundaries. Ask yourself:
When are you comfortable with kissing? What about making out?
What’s your plan for when you’re emotionally triggered and your default is to cuddle in the dark to feel better?
What will you do when you get really turned on while making out and want to start removing clothes?
Where is your line for what’s too far? Have you communicated that?
What will you do if you cross that line?
We might have a rough idea, but few of us have an actual plan. When I was dating, I asked God, “How far is too far?” His response? “You’re asking the wrong question. You should be asking, ‘What’s my goal, and how am I going to get there?’”
That question shifted my focus. Instead of simply avoiding something, I worked to create a plan that aligned with what I ultimately wanted—boundaries, accountability, and strategies to help me stay on track.
Stop Disqualifying Yourself
Many people think, “It’s too late. I’ve already gone too far.”
Hold up.
Every single person in the Bible needed Jesus. Everyone needed redemption. Everyone had gone too far in some way and needed a reset. We’re no different.
Too often, we disqualify ourselves from emotional and sexual wholeness because of past mistakes. Maybe we didn’t know better, or maybe we did and got caught up in the moment. Either way, you and your future relationship—whether with the same person or someone new—will benefit from resetting, cleaning up the mess, and rebuilding trust at a healthy pace. It’s never too late.
Cole Zick, former director of Moral Revolution, put it this way:
“In no other part of life do you continue to hurt yourself just because you’ve been hurt in the past. You don’t say, ‘Because I have a cut on my left arm, it’s okay to cut my right arm.’”
No. You stop the wound, tend to it, heal, and protect yourself from further harm.
I have friends who stopped having sex, broke up, got healing, and waited 10 more years before having sex on their wedding night. Others stopped sleeping together just six weeks before their wedding because they felt convicted to reset. Both sets of friends were so glad they did — because it wasn’t about a v-card. It was about their relationship with God and the trust they built with their future spouse.
Think About What You Think About
Your brain is your biggest sexual organ. Neuroscience now shows how the brain’s reward center—dopamine, endorphins, oxytocin, vasopressin, etc.—is directly linked to sexual behavior.
Here’s the punchline:
When you imagine and rehearse something, your brain clears a path, and your body wants to follow.
This plays out in everyday life.
When you watch sex scenes or listen to sexual or even overly romantic music, your brain starts creating little pathways that make your body yearn to do those things. Caitlin Zick puts it this way: “You are trained by what you are entertained by.” Monkey see, monkey do.
Even if you avoid sexualized media, fantasizing about being further in your relationship than you actually are can cause anxiety or the urge to rush ahead.
Keeping your mind in your current season makes it much easier to stay on pace and build the relationship you truly want.
Don’t Lie to Yourself
If I’m honest, my biggest hijacker has always been the excuses I make in the moment.
You know what I’m talking about. I know better before and after—but in the moment, I play ignorant. I let myself be talked out of my convictions.
Here are a few common lies we tell ourselves when it comes to physical boundaries:
Everyone does this. No one is that big of a prude these days.
It’s not that big of a deal.
It’s not too much for me.
We’re basically already married. / We’re going to get married anyway.
I’ll just let them stop when it’s too far.
I need to know if we’re sexually compatible.
I need to know what I’m doing.
Trust me—I know how tempting it is to give in to one of these excuses. But deep down, we know this isn’t what we ultimately want. I’ve found that when I can identify these excuses ahead of time, I’m better prepared to stand by my convictions in the moment.
You Can Take Control
Physical boundaries don’t have to hijack your relationship. When you understand the right place for physical intimacy, create a real plan (not just a vague goal), and refuse to disqualify yourself from God’s best, you set yourself up for a relationship built on trust, commitment, and true connection.
If you’re ready to take control of this area and stop letting it control you, I dive even deeper into practical strategies in How Far Is Too Far? Check it outhere.
